white star

2004-01-31T06:53:00.000-08:00

In Arcadia

"Every now and then life sends us little messages. The messages are meant for us alone. No one else can see them. No one perceives them as messages. They may seem perfectly banal to the world, but to you, for whom they were intended, they have the force of revelation. Much of the failure and success of life, much of the joy or suffering in a life, depends on being able to see these secret messages. And much of the magic, or tragedy of life depends on being able to decipher or interpret these messages.

Those who spend their lives over-deciphering tend to go mad, they go round the bend, they become paranoid; and every billboard and scrap of paper which the wind blows their way, or every other image or word called out on a television screen becomes a message of overwhelming importance to them. Then the messages drive out living, drive out life.

But those who live their lives without seeing the mesages at all, or seeing them but not deciphering them, or no interpreting them properly, live dumb lives, perpetually adrift on the barren seas of mediocrity and insignificance, the deadly boring wastes of orthodoxy. In short, they have no dialogue with the universe or with themselves."

- Ben Okri, In Arcadia

"In Arcadia" reads like a study on life masquerading as a story.

No, haven't been receiving any secret decoded messages. Life now plays like a simple song, a nursery rhyme of sorts, those kind that you'd enjoy to have, for a while. It doesn't require you to ponder, it doesn't tax your spirits, it doesn't offer you peaks and nadirs of emotions. Like cruising on a barren plain, with no rocks or bumps in sight, just the warm humid air of monotony that smothers slightly, but which you ignore because you don't want to get off the straight and clear path. Life is unfulfilling at the moment, but it is an unfulfilment that you can safely embrace, because it is safe.

I can feel the synapses of my head switching off one by one from lack of rigorous use, rusting under the lack of practice, crusting slowly until the cogs finally grind to a stop when National Service swallows me whole. Do I miss school? I don't think so. This emptiness of life is every student's Eden, his or her Arcadia, free from the plagues of homework or the endless routine gauntlets they must subject themselves to. But it is a life so mind-numbing that the inactivity is leading to detachment. Any moment soon I can imagine myself ceasing to feel, to taste or to want, because I simply cannot appreciate these feelings.

2004-01-03T05:23:00.000-08:00

Waitering

Lesson to all: Always be on the receiving end of the service industry. Always.

Having lost my right to student concessions, homework and exams, I have discovered a new life awaiting me - the life of a paid employee. Having to be civil to people is not difficult, but then being unused to long hours standing and serving is a problem. And this work experience has reinforced my distaste for fat rich snobs.

Right now, I feel like a rug, ready to be stepped on. A rug with tatters and holes, worn out from a new lifestyle I am obviously unused to.

2003-12-16T06:27:00.000-08:00

Jeux D'Enfant

I lost all my old toys today. Mom threw them out. I never touch them anymore, but then knowing that they are no longer around is a harsh feeling to have.

Every article harbours a childhood memory, something to look back to and remember when you were young and foolish and ignorant and happy. Losing all the toys, is almost a symbolic loss of childhood. The Optimus Prime discarded is a little piece of my life sliced away. Every Ninja Turtle tossed away is a little bit of myself shredded into viscera. Damnit, I know this is childish, but then I cannot help feeling indignant about my childhood possessions.

2003-12-15T06:44:00.000-08:00

Dare

If there were one movie I really wanted everyone I know to watch (apart from the really obvious LOTR finale), it would have to be this. Jeux D'Enfant. Love Me If You Dare. If you ever needed a movie that explored the destructiveness of love and passion, the persistence of an affection to the point of suicide, this has to be it.

At the end, after the montage of lost might-have-beens, and the marvellous crazy dares done in the name of affection, you'll leave with a bittersweet aftertaste - the taste of love perhaps.

2003-11-29T07:04:00.000-08:00

All Over?

You'd think that you'd have plenty to do after whatever you have got to do. In the days leading up to the exams, you sit staring blankly at your notes and wonder at what you want to do after the papers, filled with certainty that you will do them. And when you're done, you're just... Done.

Not much strength to do anything. Not much drive to do something. Just sitting there waiting for your life to be taken hold of by someone else, as you run circles in camo-gear in a stupid haircut.

2003-11-14T06:35:00.000-08:00

Temperate

Chill winds are the highways of hitchhiking sorrows. You can't feel more lost than when you're alone with them.

2003-11-06T05:45:00.000-08:00

Revolutions

I took time off to watch "The Matrix: Revolutions" today. I wish I could say it was a well-deserved break, but my revision is strolling at too leisurely a pace, and there are too little mad-panic-attacks to constitute a deserving rest.

As he beat Neo to a pulp near the end of the movie, Agent Smith asked our intrepid protagonist - "Mr Anderson" - what it was that kept him going: Justice? Hope? Peace? Love? But they were artificial constructs weren't they, cheap inventions by a frail human ego-mind to justify a meager existence? Amidst all the punches thrown in the rain, that line got mired in my brain.

Wish we had an answer to that. Love is but a rush of hormonal chemicals to the brain that disrupts its equilibrium; justice is blind (and open to appeal); and hope is easily crushed. Maybe we exist because we don't know better, or just because we do. And why is there an intrinsic, primal fear of death, if we cannot know why we live?

2003-11-03T05:55:00.000-08:00

A Long Life's Journey into Death

I realised that the conversations we've had have happened before. It all isn't anything new. If anyone needs convincing of the cyclical nature of the world, then looking backwards might be a good idea.

Do we realise that the things we do now have been done before only when we decide to look back? Does looking back shed any novelty in any situation? That the shades of the past surface in the present when we transplant previously-conceived notions into the now. The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills. It's a Wheel, no mistaking that.

Things to do:
1) Look for a rift in the space-time continuum
2) Access said rift
3) Get blasted by cosmic rays to obtain superpowers
4) Master said superpowers
5) Go back and forth through time and space righting wrongs

2003-10-13T06:36:00.000-07:00

Looking Around

Aye, back after a hiatus.

Sometimes I question why I have this blog, since I've got nothing to fill it with. Everyone's busy filling theirs with the details of their weeks, but the details of my week are mine and mine alone. Besides, they're nothing to read about.

I should kill this blog.

2003-08-23T08:53:00.000-07:00

These Nights

These nights are filled with many dreams. Vivid dreams, with too many faces. You, you, you and you are in them. As I sat down and thought about them, I realised how much I wanted to shut myself in and drift off into that sleepy unknown. Cos you see, there are no exams to take, and always a chance to wake.

2003-08-03T06:25:00.000-07:00

...

The streetlamps throw their reflections onto those empty glass faces, on a late Saturday night too heavy with sadness. The booze that sloshes inside me buckle my feet slightly, but they don't numb me. I wonder at my usefulness, at how good I am at really helping. You come to me to whisper your grief, expecting perhaps an answer. My mind is empty, groping at the edges of a problem too much for me to relate to. I say words, but then they are only words, and salve not your feelings. Then I realise how much I lack, how much wisdom and affection to give. Am I too callous, in what I don't know yet say? Am I too stupid, with the cliches I spout? Am I too blind, that the world is darker and grimmer than I think? Does it work for you? Do I know? Do I care? I don't know. But I do care. But then I'm left alone wondering if it is enough to open my heart to some of your pain, yet not be able to brush it all away.

2003-07-11T09:46:00.000-07:00

Late-night Escapades

It's nearly one, and I just caught myself a cockroach. It was huge, with long feelers and great wings, and with this irritating tendency to buzz around the room. When I decided enough was enough, I grabbed a plastic bag, and pounced on it. Or at least, managed to pounce without making too much of a din. I grabbed it, and its feelers twitched; I stared at its beady black eyes, and those oily pupils stared back. Then I went to the balcony, stuck my hand into the wind, and flung him downwards.

Thus concludes my entertainment for this night.

2003-07-07T07:04:00.000-07:00

Post-Common Test

Someone preserve me, and not send all the bad results colliding into me at one go.

2003-06-29T07:14:00.000-07:00

Cold Nights

I like cold nights. The chill always brings an unfettering, of clammy hands unlocking caches of nostalgia. I don't get assailed by memories, it feels more like a montage of past experiences; the feeling's too indistinct and abstract to be fully appreciated as a recurrence of memory.

I think of the trip to the UK back in Sec 2. The weather was cold and wet, and I loved the experience of cool winds that reached down to the bone. Whenever the storms come, and the temperature falls, and the cold winds blow, I think of that trip. I miss many things of it, but most importantly, I miss the feeling of being divorced from the humid trivialities of Singapore.

2003-06-25T07:39:00.000-07:00

Cosmic Irony

Right. As I sat in this spot a week or so ago complaining of the terrible heat, now someone finds it funny to turn the weather on its head, and now I am sitting at this spot freezing my toes off. If there exists a direct relationship between the length of the leg and the level of frost that the toes must endure, would tall people (ie Waikit, Joshua etc) have popsicled toes?

And to avoid eating my words, I must say I enjoy the cold toes much more than the torrid rooms. Torrid in a climatic way of course.

2003-06-19T07:40:00.000-07:00

Weather

I wish it rained. The weather's a killer. Cold days are certainly much more economical than hot days - blankets and hot showers cost much less than all-night air-conditioning. Just sitting here feeling myself perspire isn't exactly a happy occurrence...

I'd rather be cool than hot.

2003-06-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

Decisions

I am passive. Sedentary. Like water that compromises itself to accommodate its vessel, to live as I have is to bend myself to the wills of others. It isn't necessarily as bad as it sounds here, really.

And because I stay rooted to what I only know, I know that I may never reach you. The inertial familiarity of now fetters me to a rigidity, an impasse that neither of us can break out of. To do otherwise is to introduce friction, but then I have always been too accommodating to do so, haven't I?

I think it is for the best if decisions are made soon; if not yours, then mine.

2003-05-28T05:56:00.000-07:00

(Assembly) Song-of-the-Day

Beatles - "If I Fell"

If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true,
And help me understand?
'Cos I've been in love before,
And I found that that love was more
Than just holding hands.
If I give my heart to you,
I must be sure from the very start
That you would love me more than her.
If I trust in you, oh please,
Don't run and hide.
If I love you too, oh please,
Don't hurt my pride like her.
'Cos I couldn't stand the pain,
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain.
So I hope you see
That I would love to love you,
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two.
'Cos I couldn't stand the pain,
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain.
So I hope you see
That I would love to love you,
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two.
If I fell in love with you.

They played this on the morning temperature-taking assembly, to much amusement.

2003-04-27T07:06:00.000-07:00

Space

I was thinking about the ledges of the Chinese High Tower Block (the ones overlooking the terraces and the red-bricked road) and how they made a great place to sit and be by oneself. I never took them as my private space; heck, I never really visited them much while I was still in khaki shorts. Still, the possiblility of space, of pockets of self, was widely available if only because the school was so damn big. Compared to RJC, the Chinese High campus is a whole universe where people don't mind leaving you alone.

I think I know why the Parisian mobs were so volatile. Concentrating an impossible number of people into a small public space removes any form of personal space. And while the numbers in school are hardly that impossible, or the school that miniscule, there is hardly any corner of the RJ campus where you can avoid being seen by others. Even if there is, that corner is usually enclosed by walls and dim shadows, or by the ominous towering of HDB blocks nearby. If the expanse of the spirit mirrored its physical dimensions, then small worlds make for narrow-mindedness. Maybe that's why RJCians are what they are (haha, sorry about that).

2003-04-06T08:18:00.000-07:00

Through the Woods

I take a first step, heavy with apprehension. The leaves crack like brittle bones. You are too far in front. The wind lingers, her fingers digging under my skin, cold nails eager to find bone. A tree halts my steps, its face mangled in a wrinkled exclamation of silent pain. I brush a crooked limb aside, and it snaps in my hand, a maimed sentinel. Now you've got something to scream about, I thought, contemplating the dismembered branch. But its vengeance is complete, as a hidden spike unleashes a trail of tickling red blood across the crevasses of the palm. The air is thick with perfumed pine.

Soft light stirs, somnolent, in the tinderbox. The shadows scatter, autumn leaves (jagged, lobed, dark and veined) running from the breaths of wintry breezes. I break the brown shells off the acorns I have gathered; the pale flesh tastes of pine, bitter but invigorating. Skin feels like steel, hammered and stretched, a numb sheet draped over hollow bones.

The days pass, burdened with monotony. Pine bark crumbles under my teeth, the splintered skin clinging to pale tongue. The acorns rumble in my belly, eager for warmth, ready to spring to new life. I house neither life nor warmth. I have lost you; the maimed tree remains as silent company, accommodating even as I flay him for selfish needs. But his is no charity. I pay his toll with blood; the skin gapes as the flesh festers, the palm is rose-lipped and ready for his kiss.

My throat is parched like crumpled paper. Bitter tea whets the throat, bitter and hot like molten gold. I claw at my throat, fingers drawing thick lines across its length. It is... surprisingly effective. My stomach turns and flops inwardly like an eager eel, and suddenly I find breakfast on the ground again.

Steam dances over the delicate surface of the sulphur spring. I dip my fingers into its warmth; fire runs up them roots and into bone. I step gingerly inside, one hand gripping a helpful leg of the flayed tree. I relax in the company of Achilles and Siegfried, companions with like-minded hobbies. Companions in my head. The arsenic-rich water gargles in my open-mouthed Charybdis, but the memory of the flesh is too thin to feel or remember such acid touches.

I wander for days, eager for rest. I have left the tree behind, naked and shaking in the cold. Feet step slowly into the viscous waters of the bog; the queen awaits. My heart stills, even as it syncopates in anticipation of dreams of that little adultress. I almost love you... Skin and bone fuse, insides congeal, and with a last leap of thought I wonder at the life of my remains.

Darkness gathers.

2003-04-05T08:10:00.000-08:00

Care Bears

Stoner Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I really must have too much crack stuffed in me.

2003-03-21T06:28:00.000-08:00

Bump

You'll not learn much from this blog. No really. Nothing personal; I just don't paint my feelings into bright distinct colours before you. There are things about a person you'd rather not confront. People just aren't equipped to know more than a few sides of you.

2003-02-20T07:01:00.000-08:00

Bubbles

I miss effervescent people, people who'd laugh at the slightest provocation, and fill your ears with their raucous laughter. Their laughter sound like chimes above the garbled voices, neither derisive nor jarring; they make you want to laugh along with them, or at least smile in return. The twinkle of mischief in their eyes and the loud "hahaha"'s are the best things they bring along with them.

Ben and Xiaozheng, how I miss people like you.

2003-02-07T06:56:00.000-08:00

.

I have a feeling that I find impossible to articulate. Emotions are intangible variables that I wish to characterise, but their undefinable natures elude me. I cannot say how I am feeling, because the very words escape me, like lost breaths in a morning breeze. I can find nothing to elucidate my state of heart. Introspection has become a tool of logic that cannot separate the overlapping shades of my emotions. I cannot say exactly which direction my resentment is seeking to lash out at. It is tugged, at all its ends, in a myriad of paths that when so stretched, it finds no distinct foe to strike at. Yet at its centre, it draws so much into itself, like a repository reservoir drinking up external bitterness eagerly from its providing tributaries.

(Long-winded ain't I? I cannot help but laugh at the length of that rant, in spite of myself.)

2003-02-01T06:35:00.000-08:00

Because

Because black and white are not fitting for the New Year.

2003-01-17T07:27:00.000-08:00

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

- WB Yeats

2003-01-08T05:39:00.000-08:00

The Best Day

If anyone had taken just a little time to look up at the sky in the evening yesterday, there would have noticed that it was perfect. Bright orange and mellow blue (of as many shades as possible) painted across eventide canvas in broad inspired strokes, the soft golden fingers of the sun burning at the edges of the sky. There was something in the air, something in the wind in the face, that filled the heart with a soaring.

But enough of all these poetic mewlings. The point was, yesterday was so near-perfect (marred by the burdening prospects of work and the Economics re-test and the 'A' Levels) that it would have been the best day of my life. At least it was the best day of the year, even if there are barely enough 2003 days to make two weeks.

2003-01-02T05:33:00.000-08:00

The Sun Has Long Been Set

The sun has long been set,
The stars are out by twos and threes,
The little birds are piping yet
Among the bushes and the trees;
There's a cuckoo, and one or two thrushes,
And a far-off wind that rushes,
And a sound of water that gushes,
And the cuckoo's sovereign cry
Fills all the hollow of the sky.
Who would go `parading'
In London, `and masquerading',
On such a night of June
With that beautiful soft half-moon,
And all these innocent blisses?
On such a night as this is!

- William Wordsworth

2002-12-31T07:11:00.000-08:00

New Year

"Happy New Year" is a mantra people recite to each other to ward away the creeping dread of a new unknown.

2002-12-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

War and Middle-Earth

The sheer epic magnitude of glory and victory on Middle-Earth more than makes up for the incessant reminder of one's mortality through swords or rings. The battles fought are brimming with sweat, blood, hope and fellowship; there is a physical and spiritual camaraderie about standing beside another atop the fortifications of Helm's Deep. The strongest friendships are forged in the heat of battle.

By comparison, the real world lacks such splendour. War is waged in the mind, through everyday struggles, but there is no clarion call of victory. One is plated in nothing but one's own fortitude and a sense of lonely battle. Despite the drabness of Gondor and the darkness that spills over from Mordor, there is a golden glory that illuminates. Colour fills the eyes in the real world, but a grave-dust grey seems to cling onto everything with cold wraith-like grips.

Where is the triumph in modern war? Where is the spiritual consummation that springs forth from victory? We go to war not out of a need to drive out evil, but for black gold and as a show of force for a slight. In this age, robots and technology fight our wars, while we glorify our less-than-worthy goals.

2002-12-16T07:09:00.000-08:00

Kenshin

Take the Rurouni Kenshin Quiz by xceres.

2002-12-15T06:10:00.000-08:00

Legal Wills

You mean there are such things as illegal wills?

2002-11-28T23:19:00.000-08:00

Song of the Day

Lifehouse - "Breathing"

2002-11-24T05:47:00.000-08:00

Man with Wooden Leg Escapes Prison (aka A Lesson in Perseverance)

Man with wooden leg escapes prison. He's caught.
They take his wooden leg away from him. Each day
he must cross a large hill and swim a wide river
to get to the field where he must work all day on
one leg. This goes on for a year. At the Christmas
Party they give him back his leg. Now he doesn't
want it. His escape is all planned. It requires
only one leg.
- James Tate

2002-11-14T05:48:00.000-08:00

Quiz
1. DESIRED OBJECTIVES OR BEHAVIOR DICTATED BY DESIRED OBJECTIVES.
Suffering from the effects of those things which are being rejected as disagreeable, and is strongly resisting them. Just wants to be left in peace.

2. THE EXISTING SITUATION OR BEHAVIOR APPROPRIATE TO THE EXISTING SITUATION.
Having difficulty in making progress. Despite the attempt to conceal impulsiveness, his activities lead to problems and uncertainties, making him tense and irritable.

3. CHARACTERISTICS UNDER RESTRAINT OR BEHAVIOR INAPPROPRIATE TO THE EXISTING SITUATION.
Feels that he is burdened with more than his fair share of problems. However, he sticks to his goals and tries to overcome his difficulties by being flexible and accommodating.

4. REJECTED OR SUPPRESSED CHARACTERISTICS OR ANXIETY-LADEN CHARACTERISTICS.
Stress arising from the inability to maintain relationships stably in their desired condition. Sensitive, and susceptible to gentleness and delicacy of feeling, with a desire to blend into some sort of mystic fusion of erotic harmony. However, this desire remains unsatisfied due to the lack of a suitable partner or adverse conditions, and he keeps a strict and watchful control on his emotional relationships as he needs to know precisely where he stands. Is fastidious, esthetic and has a cultured taste which allows him to form and express his own taste and judgement, especially in the fields of art and artistic creativity. Strives to ally with others who can assist him in his intellectual or artistic growth. Sublimated artistic sensitivity.

5. THE ACTUAL PROBLEM OR BEHAVIOR RESULTING FROM STRESS.
His natural ability to examine everything with critical discrimination has been distorted into an attitude of harsh disapproval, which opposes and denigrates without regard to the real facts.

Needs to protect himself against his tendency to be too trusting, as he finds it is liable to be misunderstood or exploited by others. Is therefore seeking a relationship providing peaceful and understanding intimacy, and in which each knows exactly where the other stands.

Wow. My entire psyche stands right before you now.

2002-11-14T05:37:00.000-08:00

Sunsets

-~Which SUNSET are you? (v.2)~-
brought to you by Quizilla

You are not a sunset. You can't remember the last time you saw the sun. The sun is evil. You relate with the moon on a deeply profound level. That, or you're just a text-book hermit. You're self concious- but you needn't be. You are actually strikingly attractive. You would never even want to be a sunset anyway, and you don't know why you took this test in the first place. Sunsets might be overrated, but at least you can feel good by the fact that you're constant. A sunset is so flippant and noncommital. You are an individual, and proud of it.

2002-11-12T06:55:00.000-08:00

Stupidity is...

When you lose sleep over someone you don't even dare talk to.

2002-11-10T09:07:00.000-08:00

Falling

The deep growling of a karaoke singer reverberated throughout the neighbourhood, mingling with the screams of raindrops as they fall to their messy end. There is something morbid about being a raindrop, to be birthed and to live only to hurtle groundwards to a doom, to lie broken and shattered in a puddle, and looking forwards only to repeat the cycle again.

2002-11-07T06:12:00.000-08:00

The End

School's over as of today. And damn does the end suck.

2002-10-25T06:14:00.000-07:00

I Want...

To swim in a sea of dreams. To sit on a cloud on a cool windy day and look down at the little world below. To drink up a little bit of moonlight and get drunk on its glow. To hold a star within my hands and feel its heartbeat beside my chest. To hear the strummings on a melodious heart. To say things I'd rather keep hidden.

2002-10-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

A Ruin So Strange It Must Never Have Happened

You know how you think you've got something going with Life, that you've managed to get It somewhere on track, towards the direction you want (despite minor derailments along the way). And now I am sitting here looking at the big train wreck and I wonder how in the world I managed to believe it'd last.

I sit here and I feel stupid. Inadequacy is a malevolent worm that hatches within you and eats away at you from the inside. There goes your stomach, your guts, your self-esteem... All gobble gobble gobbled up. I know I shouldn't ask for more (I am, supposedly, standing in better stead than many others), but then there is this minor problem of sitting on the Humanities Express, surrounded by overachievers everywhere. Monkeys have better brains than I do.

I have no idea why I'm still doing Economics. Despite a whole year of economical endeavours my grades are so bad that I could have scored higher if I had written in Italian instead. Sometimes I feel like punching myself so hard that my grandparents hurt. And if I was looking a bit dazed and glassy-eyed today, well that's because my brains have since taken a vacation (not that they were much use anyways) and the entire body is on "Autopilot" right now.

You know you don't really need those asS Papers. True, but it's a little hard not to feel a little stupid when the entire class is going to be fretting over their S Paper examinations the same time next year and I will be sitting in the corner of the class twiddling my thumbs and whistling to myself, waving away piteous glances with a look of indifference. If I become the only guy in the class who doesn't get an asS Paper, I'll just go choke myself on asS Paper application forms and let everyone marvel at the irony of my death.

So all I have left are nicely-written scripts that are worth the spittle on the sidewalk. If I had a garden they'd make nice lawn ornaments or garden gnomes.

God. This has got to be my longest post in a long time.

2002-10-14T07:23:00.000-07:00

Test

Your Personality: River of Romance
Love is your motivating force, and you have the sexual drive and aggression to seek it out. Love is your lifelong quest, and you work relentlessly to find it. The placement of the doodle indicates that there is a bit of the romantic in you, which may lead you on flights of fancy. This does not mean that you are a perpetual dreamer, but rather that you add to love a sense of novelty and panache! You not only seek love out, but actually create loving situations.

You have placed the square last; material things have little meaning for you when compared to emotional experiences. You don't like to be restricted, and the traditional home life is not your cup of tea. You carry your loved ones along in your mainstream rather than risking boredom and the routine, which you detest.

Right.

2002-10-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

Whipping the Dead ~~Horse~~ Pony

Well, you could always choose to be really maudlin about it, drag yourself about the place with feet the weight of that boulder Obelix carries, weep buckets (remember to keep the water for your plants and washing - Use Water Wisely!), drink lots until you get a pot-belly and see triple permanently, and lock yourself up in a dark room so long until you become albino from lack of sunlight.

Or you could always just count on your pals to chill.

2002-09-25T06:45:00.000-07:00

25/9/2002

I tell myself that I must study, but the effort is laughable when I barely accomplish my readings and spend too much time online instead. My hours are consumed by the need to sleep, but even in rest a little minder sits at the back of my mind screaming out how little time I have got left.

I look up at the skies, at the thick dark clouds that hug closely to the tops of the buildings. The wind whips around me like a sword unsheathed, and I wonder why it doesn't pour. The constipated skies mirror a clogging in the head, and as it finally rains I murmur a prayer and realise that it is a mere drizzle that can fill a teapot. I retaliate by sticking a finger skywards (*insert swear-word here*), and sit down at the computer reading online comics, the notes left untouched.

2002-09-08T07:31:00.000-07:00

If I had a superpower it'd be...

I have an acute sense of style. And who wouldn't with a 12 foot wingspan? I can be a little cocky, but not without grounds. Mine is a battle of tact as well as strength, as flight won't win a alone. Like the archangels of lore, I have a sharp eye, and a keen sense of danger. I seek out injustice, and I stop it. From above.

What's your superpower?

2002-09-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

Party

People people people yet I feel alone. Ben sits by me on the hard stone floor by the blue blue pool and he is funny like always yet I feel alone. The big bright lights blind me slightly and they blanket the stars overhead with their amber shards pricking through the side of my sight. You are there looking bored and forlorn and alone and yet I simply dare not cannot will not. The richness of you goes down my throat like vintage Chardonnay, the depth of your colour and the beauty of your silence goes through my chest like a spreading spirit inside. I wonder if I have stepped into Desire's domain, and I find that it cleaves more stubbornly than I am comfortable with. I dare not look at you for fear of betraying something inside and because you dwell on a self-styled tower high above above above. Your long hair sweeps but it does not invite like Rapunzel's.

I sink in the blue blue pool alone wondering if the chill that crawls up my bones hides in the waters or in frigid you.

Frigid.

2002-09-01T07:21:00.000-07:00

Sunday

:) Thanks.

Thank you for every 'Happy Birthday' and every gift.

2002-08-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

Celestial Streetlights

There are barely any stars in the skies anymore. None that I can point a finger at and whisper its name. All I see is a large black blanket, occasionally muddied with distant red clouds. I want to see Virgo, Orion and his belt, Venus, and all the celestial streetlights that so characterise the nightside of time.

This fascination did not begin with you, but you abetted it and made me embrace an owl's life even more, and I thank you for it. My mouth itches to shout, for there is joy and carefreeness at a loss, but I am afraid that if I do do so Murphy's Law will prove me otherwise, and I will drown in a new flood.

So, I will just stay quiet, and smile to myself.

2002-08-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

Bump

New template. Looks shitty compared to Cuifen's, but the black-and-the-white-and-the-big-blue-eye suits me better than white-and-baby-blue.

2002-08-05T07:39:00.000-07:00

Welcome to RJC-On fitting in & opportunities

(Dalglish needed some help in writing a little speech for the TCHS boys he'd be visiting on a trip to sell the school, so I decided: why not? The perspective's a little skewed, but it's all in the name of harmless fun.)

...

It's a lie that Chinese High bastards, I mean students, can't fit into RJC. RJC is just full of opportunities that are constantly in your face; all you need to do is to sign up and do your best (aka backstab the guy who also wants the role). There are TCHS students in the forefront of both academic and sporting spheres (cue: sing "TO REIGN SUPREME IN EVERY SPHEEREE!!"): eg. Dalglish Chew is currently the epitome of the supreme councillor, Colin Liew is currently chairman of CWC (Colin-WenEn Club), Hongcheong from god-knows-where is now canoeing captain, and Tan Tong Kai is RECAS chairman etc etc.

Everywhere you can see the (pseudo)-happy faces of ex-TCHS boys, hanging around their *koff*favourite*koff* place - the canteen! The focal point of all contact and communication, the canteen is where everyone mixes around and has fun. See Keith Lee mill around singing songs! See *insert name here* sitting on that bench for the next 6 periods (and possibly skipping all lectures for that day)! Sip a little tea! Wonder at the incredible hardiness of the rubbish, I mean delicacies they sell at stores 3 and 4! Conversation is the only constant in the canteen (except that none of it is yours). Fitting in? What's so wrong with that? No one discriminates. You get initiated into these RI/RGS cliques as quickly as you drown in quicksand, and before you know it, you're a bonafide member of RJC! Even if you can't fit in with this group or that, there's always the River Valley guys and the Dunman High guys and the RI PRiCkS to stick with, so never despair!

Come to RJC! Auspicium melioris aevi!

2002-08-04T07:19:00.000-07:00

Teflon

When nothing is taken seriously, everything brushes off quicker than hot butter on well-oiled Teflon(tm). When something is taken too deeply, then it cleaves unforgivingly like the hardiest glue.

2002-07-27T07:07:00.000-07:00

Wings

'What kind of Wing are you?' by. Xera

2002-07-17T07:39:00.000-07:00

Traffic

If relationships could be likened to cars, then I'd have been the passenger who had been kicked off a Mercedes, only to see it whizzing past from time to time as I take to the road on my own two feet.

2002-07-17T07:33:00.000-07:00

Splinter

Memories whittle away like a carving knife to oak or yew or ash. Soft shavings crowd the ground in queer assembly. Scrape, scrape. Scrape, scrape. A form slowly takes shape. This is the image of you I am making, my dear. This is the image of you I am keeping.

With time, the wood defines nicely under Geppettoan hands. A wooden fetish - crude and indistinct, save the cold embers of a once-radiant smile - with which to ply adoration. Ouch. Pain, brewing under the exquisite rose pinprick that beggars attention. Pain is what gives it life. Pain is what makes it all so real.

2002-07-14T07:01:00.000-07:00

Proximity

Closer as the rift widens.

2002-07-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

Sunday's Child

What day are you?

Just so you know, 'gay' used to mean happy. I am hoping it's used in this context here.

2002-06-30T02:16:00.000-07:00

Realm of Influence

Find your Realm of Influence at SailorOrion.com

2002-06-28T07:22:00.000-07:00

Weapon

I'm big and long

2002-06-24T06:31:00.000-07:00

School

It seems like, in school, people never notice you when you want to say 'hi'. They always seem to look away. The only way to catch their attention is to become loudly conspicuous. Dance around in red. Shout out loud. Do backflips. Those kind of thing. RJC seems to thrive on loud noises and conspicuous people.

On the other hand, people who you don't know seem to like staring at you like you were a large bulbous sore thumb sticking out from a plastered hand. Flashing a neon red sign saying "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!". It's difficult to be alone in RJC. Everyone is with everyone else. You're weird if you're alone. RJC seems to thrive on pairs and triplets and quartets and large companies.

2002-06-24T06:24:00.000-07:00

Addicted to Love

I love you, he told Mary.
I love you, he told Jenny.
I love you, he told Rachael.

Mary found out about Jenny.
Jenny found out about Rachael.
Rachael found out about them all.

Why do you do this to us, they asked.

Don't you love me, asked Mary.
I do, he said.

Don't you love me, asked Jenny.
I do too, he said.

Don't you love, asked Rachael.
I do, he said.

I love love for love, he said.

2002-06-21T08:29:00.000-07:00

My Inner Animal

2002-06-19T23:43:00.000-07:00

...

If I only knew what the sorry was for.

2002-06-16T07:23:00.000-07:00

Final

He stretched his back, stifled a yawn, and rubbed his eyes. He closed the tattered book with a certain sense of accomplishment and finality, delicately adjusting the covers of the book, which were literally hanging on by a shred. The man on the cover, so full of air and himself, stared back at him. But he did not care. He was done with it. After six months, he had finished it.

No more confounded Dickenses for a while.

2002-06-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

Waikit's Party

Waikit invited us to his house today. By us, I am referring to the 4E eegofreakz, his RJC class 1S06D, as well as his HCJC class. It was messy, and noisy, with each group keeping mainly to itself. We camped out in his room, while most of S06D slouched around his TV, and the HCJC amused themselves with mass games downstairs. Still, it was enjoyable, eating and playing and talking and catching up with old friends and gossiping and ranking girls. It was a sorry sight to see Waikit run up and down his messed-up abode, playing host to everyone. But he was a gracious host, and very accommodating, and very capable with dealing with these three disparate groups. Thanks.

P.S. The Blueberry Vodka Venom tasted wonderful. And the E Thirty-three Cider grows on you, in a strange bitter sort of way.

2002-05-31T06:43:00.000-07:00

A Little Moonlight

She walked over to the dirt ground, and scrapped at it with a boot. Satisfied with its depth, she crouched down beside it, placing the brown leather bag to her left. She unbuckled the bag, and fished out a bottle of Evian mineral water, and a smaller brown leather pouch. She unscrewed the cap, and poured the clear water into the little trench she had dug with a foot, watching as the water fell from the mouth of the bottle and splashing into the puddle it had formed. The white reflection of the moon overhead shimmered and wavered and got caught in the splashing droplets. In a few minutes she was done.

From the small brown leather pouch she removed a pair of silver tongs, and a clear crystal vial. She waited patiently, as the water stopped rippling and settled. She closed her eyes, and moved a hand across the puddle, muttering words that will remain unknown to us. Picking up the silver tongs, she gripped at one end of the white disc in the small puddle, and pulled. The moon's reflection tore itself from the water's embrace unwillingly, but her grip was strong and it soon dislodged itself in a manner reminiscent of sticky cheese.

She quickly, expertly unstoppered the vial in one hand, ignoring the cork stopper that fell to the ground. Placing the dripping disc of moonlight over the mouth of the vial, she waited and waited and waited as the reflection dripped dripped dripped itself into the vial, until the crystal holder was full of it and only a shimmery luminiscence remained on the tongs. She smiled to herself, stoppered the vial, and kept her vial and her tongs and her small leather pouch and her Evian bottle, and slung the leather bag over her shoulders. She turned to leave. She had enough moonlight to last her another month.

The small puddle of Evian water rippled as the winds stroked its surface. The white moon still hung overhead, but the dark puddle now held none of its brilliance.

2002-05-19T19:36:00.000-07:00

Inside

i have a rampant muse in my head and inadequate skill to fulfill her and not enough time to finish everything and too many expectations responsibilities obligations and an empty heart and this fear of burning up and this inability to be what i want to be and this want to be something someone special to swing around the city or feel the power of the force or freeze the air around me and keep everyone out for i feel like a stone deep inside just pressing me down and against my chest and i don't like it when everything reminds me of you.

2002-05-13T06:26:00.000-07:00

Kiss

Which Kiss Are You?

2002-05-13T06:13:00.000-07:00

Autobot

If I was an Autobot, I'd be:

Take the Transformers personality test at android5.com!

2002-05-12T07:02:00.000-07:00

Emotion

Find your emotion!

2002-05-08T07:01:00.000-07:00

Mage

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
<º>

2002-05-05T05:43:00.000-07:00

Me

Your view on yourself
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener; they'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girl/boyfriend you are looking for.
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship.
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love.
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you.
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success?
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of?
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self?
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart, rather than your head, needs to solve.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/analysis/quiz82.cfm

2002-04-29T06:27:00.000-07:00

Handphone

Which Nokia handphone are you?

And speaking of handphones, my Alcatel just died on me. I think it's time to get a new phone.

2002-04-28T07:25:00.000-07:00

Slacker

Take the What Kind of Slacker are you? Quiz

Oops.

2002-04-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

I Stand Alone

I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside of me
I'm not dying for it
I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone

- Godsmack, "I Stand Alone"

2002-04-27T08:33:00.000-07:00

Pragmatic Me

Utilitarian. Practical. Rational. Down-to-earth. That's me. The embodiment of pragmatism and convenience and expediency. Sometimes I am so practical that I make myself sick. If I had lived in Industrial Revolution Europe, I'd most probably be one of those factual middle-class Bounderbies. Common sense rules my head.

Where are the dragons? And the faeries? Where has all the magic gone?

2002-04-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

Cars

Which car are you?

2002-04-17T06:24:00.000-07:00

Time

It isn't about how much time you have left. It never is. Whether you are all of 17 or old 70, it never is about how much time you have left. Time isn't the factor when dealing with deadlines and work.

Energy is. How much life in you dictates how much longer you can go on, how much more you can do, and what you can't. Time is not of consequence; the life in you is.

Unless of course, you have a curfew. Then time is the number one deciding factor. Else something terrible befalls you, like losing half your allowance or something.

2002-04-14T07:04:00.000-07:00

Energy

I just don't feel spontaenously about anything nowadays. Everything just feels so forced, so compelled. There's no bubbling effervescent energy within me; I take to cans of Nescafe coffee everyday to keep awake. All I want to ever do, is to stay at home and sleep. I want to stay at home, and be alone and cosy in my bed, without anyone around me.

I think I come across as overly perky over mIRC/ICQ. I seem to be shunted into a more energetic role, imbued with a positiveness that is sickening. I think it's only because it's my fingers that are moving, and no one can see my expressions. Being in person takes so much more out of you.

I just want to stay at home and sleep.

2002-04-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

Laugh

Relationships are a sticky business. Too much for us perhaps. Maybe the parents were right. Maybe we aren't equipped to deal with it right now. But bad or no, life goes on.

I've learned to laugh, to trivialise... stuff that don't seem right. To laugh it off, to make a joke about it. It's terribly escapist, but what if the alternative is crashing headlong into unhappiness?

2002-04-05T07:41:00.000-08:00

At the Right Time

I can't trust myself to do just the right thing. There's always something better I could have done.

2002-03-31T05:08:00.000-08:00

Endless

I am Dream:

Which Member of the Endless Are You?

2002-03-30T06:23:00.000-08:00

Candy

And now, sweets:

Find out which LifeSaver you are.

2002-03-30T06:15:00.000-08:00

Tests

Too many tests. One after another. Guess they makes up for the stuff I don't write.

2002-03-30T06:13:00.000-08:00

Tarot

Which tarot card are you?

2002-03-27T04:58:00.000-08:00

LOTR

2002-03-25T04:31:00.000-08:00

Words

I don't know what to say. Whatever I say probably would not help much. Would not help at all. There are so many words that can be used, but they are merely words. They can't, won't, touch as deep as I hope they will.

All I can say is, no matter what, you'll still have friends with you.

2002-03-20T06:11:00.000-08:00

Dragon

A BLUE Dragon Lies Beneath!

I took the Inner Dragon online quiz and found out I am a Blue Dragon on the inside. If there ever was a draconic example of a supple attitude, my Inner Dragon is it. Blues are the Water Elemental dragon - typified by their Steam breath weapon. Pretty creative, huh? It goes right along with my Inner Dragon's tendency to maim, but not destroy. Much like my native oceans and rivers will deform the rock over time, eventually wearing it away to nothing.

Humans shouldn't make the mistake of thinking I'm weak, however. After all I'm a good 30 feet in length and have a penchant for materializing out of any body of water, no matter how small. I also enjoy communicating with aquatic life-forms, hunting in totally inhospitable terrain (i.e. 3000 feet below the waves), and using my fluid nature to my advantage. My enemies probably won't even see me approach in the first place. My favorable attributes are the sunset, Autumn, water, compassion, intuition, and calmness. Naturally, I pity the fool who'd try and prove that calmness part, he'd probably wind up being scalded. *small grin*

2002-03-18T05:51:00.000-08:00

Frodo

I'm the 1978 Ralph Bakshi animated Frodo!

Notorious, avant-garde, open-minded, and underappreciated, I'm like a 70's pop icon that never goes away.

2002-03-16T07:02:00.000-08:00

Flames

I burn slowly, taking time to fill the room. Like a candle, a small light, not enough to warm thoroughly, just barely being there.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live like a shooting star, to flare brightly and touch everyone, if only for a short time.

2002-03-15T05:29:00.000-08:00

Tortures

You're a giant oven shaped like, suprise, a brazen bull. A fire is lit under your belly, and the person inside is roasted alive. You really blow your top when someone makes you mad, though that can take a bit of work on their part.

What torture would you be?

2002-03-12T18:31:00.000-08:00

Poets

Sandburg and Tennyson.

2002-03-08T08:34:00.000-08:00

D&D Character

I Am A: Chaotic Good Human Ranger Bard

Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.

Race:
Humans are the 'average' race. They have the shortest life spans, and because of this, they tend to avoid the racial prejudices that other races are known for. They are also very curious and tend to live 'for the moment'.

Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Secondary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.

Deity:
Shaundakul is the Chaotic Good god of travel and exploration. He is also known as the Rider of the Winds. His followers are typically rangers, and work to protect the land. They typically wear leather armor, and carry long swords and short bows. Shaundakul's symbol is a white hand with the index finger raised.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

2002-03-04T05:48:00.000-08:00

Mails

After not checking my mailbox for 3 days, I realised that I have got lots of new mail. All stupid spams (business, porn, Viagra etc) from Antartica, America, Mesopotamia and God-knows-where. Takes a hell lot of time and effort to click and delete them. All 48 of them. I wish they'd all stop bothering me.

And no, I don't want to see your cum-drenched teen pussy.

2002-03-02T08:17:00.000-08:00

O's

I've got 6 points. Yay. 6 A1s. 3 A2s. Not as bad as I expected. I expected to do very badly for Geography. Fortunately I did not.

Just bought a sketchbook a few days ago. Soon I will be drawing more than usual. Must improve on my art.

I think I am rambling.

2002-02-18T07:10:00.000-08:00

Resolution

Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz

2002-02-12T06:24:00.000-08:00

New Year

Happy New Year everyone.

2002-02-01T00:02:00.000-08:00

See Ya

It will be most probably another year till we get to meet again, so do take care of yourself eh? You'll probably not hear anyone call you 'Qixin' in the US, nor will you hear Xiaozheng's laughter or Yuankai's jokes or Weijin's brags or Waikit's sexual escapades or Pak's voice.

I am just starting to feel the impact of this matter. A friend for (counts fingers...) 7-8 years, some of you has become an intrinsic part of me. It may have been a difficult decision for you to make, but like you have said: "A hero doesn't choose his destiny; destiny chooses him".

We'll all miss you, and do keep in touch, through Blogger or through ICQ. No 'goodbyes'. More like 'seeya'.

The people around me are quickly becoming simply the past.

2002-01-26T21:53:00.000-08:00

I Can't Make You Love Me

Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronise
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

- "I Can't Make You Love Me", Bonnie Raitts

2002-01-26T08:48:00.000-08:00

Hands

My hands are not so cold now. They are throbbing with pain. Bloody blisters.

Especially my right hand. It had the unfortunate honour of getting hit by a bat. Hurts like hell.

2002-01-25T16:05:00.000-08:00

Colder

I think I had been too rushed about it. I had tried to exhibit warmth too much, too quickly, that I hastened its demise. Like the ice-cube in the palm. Now there is nothing left, not even the smallest droplets.

Now my hand is empty, and cold.